1. You can talk about vaginas, placentas, perineal tears over dinner without vomiting.
2. You can survive a 12 hour shift on just tea and Thornton’s chocolates.
3. Your bladder has a 5 litre capacity.
4. You can do everything with one hand on a night shift as you have a screaming baby in the other.
6. You believe that when someone dares to say “Oh isn’t it quiet today”, something unspeakably terrible will happen.
7. You can smile politely and not burst out laughing when someone tells you they’re going to name their child “Banana Trevor Chardonnay Smith”.
8. You have been covered in at least 3 bodily fluids.
9. You know that “post partum” does not mean your fence is coming apart.
10. You think the only way to measure centimetres is to spread your fingers apart.
11. You think that Crocs are the best shoes in the world
12. You spend 2 hours trying to help someone breastfeed and they then say “I’ll just have a bottle please”.
This was sent to me by a midwife I know who would like to remain Anonymous
You Know You’re A Midwife When…