*Please note this is quite a personal and quite upsetting blog post on death, cancer and depression, if you feel this may trigger you then please do not read it.
Hello my lovely internet people,
I am so sorry I haven’t been around and I am hoping this post will explain a little bit about where I have been, firstly I would like to say it isn’t just my blog I have been AWOL from, I have been in hiding in my real life too. I haven’t wanted to leave my house and all that has really interested me other than cleaning my house is snuggling with my kids.
The boys dad’s grandad died, I comforted him as much as I could and we travelled up north for his funeral, at the do after my MIL had to leave early. You see my mother in law’s best friend of whom she calls sister, went into hospital with stomach ache and although she was expecting to be told she had food poisioning she wanted my mil to be there for her results. After my mother in law had persisted that she be scanned we were informed that is was infact cancer and she had 3 months to live.
The work began on pushing for her to come home, we began planning getting a hospital bed, speaking to macmillan ect. She summoned me into hospital, asked me to go on my own as she wanted to talk to me. She made me promise I would look after my Mil in the coming months, to help her look after her as it will be hard and to her we were her family. This is when she became ‘aunty’.
2 weeks past and we were expecting her hospital bed to arrive so I was busy buying single bedding and moving furniture in preparation. This was when I had ‘the call’ she had a turn for the worst and as her wish (other than to see the sea, which the nurses had arrange but then she became too ill) mainly to see her dog, I was to take ‘misty’ up to her at the hospital as the hospital had OK’ed it. I drove with a fat staffy of whom wouldn’t stay off my legs up to the hospital and the look on her face was amazing, that doggy is her baby. Unfortunately the dog was so excited and was too much for how poorly she was so after 15 minutes it was taken home by my BIL. I remained in hospital for 4 days as promised and watched her slowly deteriorate for 4 days until she took her last breath.
I never thought I would watch someone die, I would never want to do it again. The days up until her death were horrible, although we tried to keep the humour in the room, what was happening was very real and we were reminded on two quite vivid accounts which I shan’t go into as quite frankly I am hoping that my mind one day will forget.
This was nearly 2 weeks ago, her funeral isn’t for another 3 weeks, I am still trying to help my MIL with paperwork and also the fact that the council are now trying to evict her in 7 days.
All of this has added up to my depression hitting me hard and the hate that I hold for many black hearted humans. When Andy’s nan went to collect his grandad’s ashes to sprinkle them a few days after his funeral she found that the staff had took it upon themselves to do it for her. Whilst I was in hospital trying to comfort someone knowing they are dying, I had someone tell me they didn’t care. The NHS are so understaffed that the lady I was with of whom we had asked for more morphine for was left for so long she went from a relaxed state to screaming that she was having a painful death. The actual fact that I was sat with someone so ill and not her biological family because they were all so horrible upsets me and even on her death bed were messaging telling us to let them know when she had passed so they could have the money she owed them. I just don’t know what has happened to us? We are wrecking the world we live in and the people around us.
I try to find the positive where I can to help myself with my mental illness but at the moment I am struggling, really struggling. I am so tired, I ache every where. I just want to sleep away each day and now even my dreams have started to haunt me. It is a black hole I am in and I am trying to scrape myself out of it. I do not want depression to win, I do not want anxiety to win and I especially do not want to feel like a black cloud burdening everyone around me, it is just so hard. All I can say is thank god for my baby cats it is like they are sensing my pain and just want to comfort me as much as possible.
I suppose this blog post really was, although me trying to empty my head it is also trying to maybe help you understand why I haven’t been around as faking happy is so draining and sometimes it’s just easier to shut down and hide and accept that everything is just too much. And maybe once I feel I am moving again I can then start tackling the bloody 2/3 stone I have put on comfort eating. But I am back and I will be catching up and I will continue fighting and slowing dragging my feet forward on the journey to find myself or at least understand what I am and who I am now.