As I told you all yesterday I am low at the moment. And as this is 100 days of the REAL me, real me is how things will be told.
I woke up this morning via my boys, my body ached so much and nothing made me want to face the world. I begged Andy that he would have the day off, I know that’s terrible and I have no idea what he said but I just didn’t want to be awake. He took Ky to school.
J had his breakfast and snuggled me whilst watching powderpuff girls on my phone. I knew I needed to take my cat to the vets at 10am to have his foot checked.
I wake up at 10.20. Immediately I ring the vets, I tell them the truth how I overslept and didn’t set an alarm, after all if they needed to punish me it was my own fault anyway. They rebooked me for 12.20! I was so so grateful.
I really wanted breakfast, a fat greasy breakfast. I didn’t want to get up, I didn’t want to get dressed but Andy made me. After all if I didn’t want to be late for my cats appointment and I needed to eat I needed to be up and ready!
I got dressed, I wore a pretty dream catcher top and ordered a mocha frappe and fried bread. My order came with a mocha coffee and toast. I didn’t have the energy to complain but I did ask for another fried bread. It was quite nice to have warm coffee anyway.
Thor (my cats) vets appointment went brilliantly, she took one look at it and said it was 99% better than yesterday. And it really is. That does make me happy, he is putting his weight on it and it has a little scab. He also keeps asking for loves, so glad he is my friend again.
On the way home, we nipped to McDonald’s and I had a half filled frozen strawberry lemonade. It was amazing, but someone was definitely stingy with filling it lol. And a caramel cheesecake mcflurry.
Speaking of weight, whilst scrolling Facebook earlier I came across a comment thread on a post and this one commenter really soccer punched me in my feels. She was discussing how her mum on her passing had said to her that she had spent her whole life worrying about her body, wanting to be slimmer, wanting to weigh less and yet on her final days, weighing a tiny 6 stone she realises that actually the body she had was always perfect all along! I did drop tears.
I lay on the sofa for a while after the vets, I knew I had work to do but I just didn’t feel like I could. Then the postman came. He brought a package and when I opened it I really wanted to do an unboxing video because it’s contents was just so darn cute.
I watched half a film, I picked up ky and we all finished watching it.
Dinner was fish and chip shop.
I knew I needed to work, I was considering the unboxing video but I wasn’t wearing make up though so how could I without sorting myself out!! Oh boy, I cannot tell you how happy this blog makes me that you along with that fact that I do, accept my unedited self. And when I realised this, the video was done. It currently has 19 minutes left to upload but if it’s done whilst I am still online I will embed below.
I came to bed, Ky on his playstation and J watched my phone. As I checked Facebook my friend Helen started messaging me about the gym, I explained how I was staying in bed but then the cat gifs started. I got up, I got dressed and I ended up going to the gym and for a swim. We did come home earlier though because I am a moody shit.
Don’t get me wrong, I know 100,000s of people have it so so much worse than me. I do tell myself this. I cry at how I feel like darkness when I am so lucky to have what I have. But I am grateful for how I keep putting things in place to help, How I have people in my life that understand more, how I am quicker at finding the light. How I no longer feel I have to hide who I am.
Sometimes depression wins a day from me. I am getting better at not letting it defeat me completely. It is exhausting.
Tomorrow WILL be brighter!