I have had quite a few messages lately asking me if I am okay as I haven’t been around so much, I have a list of blog work that I need to crack on with and I haven’t done anymore work towards my online shop that I am hoping to launch in September. And I have basically one word for this, BALANCE.
Balance when suffering with mental health makes life so much harder. I need balance, I need routine but on a bad day when I can hardly even make myself get dressed everything struggles. I have mentioned a few times how I am a self sabotager, I know what I should be doing, I know within what time scale and sometimes I just really really can’t do it. Through fatigue and through mental blockages that affect my whole life.
If you meet me in real life and ask me how I am the likelihood is it will always be the same answer ‘plodding on’ and I can explain this. It is because I learn with each dip I receive in life, each pull back on the arrow of my emotions that in my hardest days I will at least try and do a few things that will enable to make me feel like I am still taking small slug slow steps to progressing. At the moment I have chosen to take some time out of forcing myself to work on my blog to sort my life out at home.
The boys dad was on holiday in Spain for a week and in that time I received so much clarity in what I want in life.
I partitioned the boys bedroom with curtains, this has meant that they both feel like they have their own room and even more positive for me it means that they are starting to get into a better routine with sleeping because they feel separated in their own domains.
I am still cleaning and organising my house. I was lucky enough to get gifted a beautiful 4 seater sofa from a local buy and sell site that is now lovingly in my living room. I broke up the old one along with the boys wardrobe and drawers and did a few trips to the tip. One being where I took the boys too so that I could keep getting things done. Keep the momentum of improvement moving. I sorted the boys clothes and purchased a wardrobe from Argos.. which turned out to be one of the most stressful things I have ever done in my life. But with Anxiety meaning I was unlikely to take it back and my determination not wanting it to win it is now sitting in their room doing the job it was meant to do and now making my life easier.
One of the things I am learning about myself is that I am probably the strongest minded, weakest minded person that I know. I just don’t know as humans how we find the strength we do when we need to, but if you are on a low, please know that within you, if you allow yourself to feel it you have the strength and knowing that everything will work out eventually.
So now here is where I am, I am calmer, I am happier, I am more skatty, my memory is shit, I am less chaotic but still disorganised, I am a progressing, I am plodding along but I am still moving. I am here, I am okay, I am on the rollercoaster that is life, that is mental health, and I have my arms up, screaming and enjoying the ride. I am me, I accept me, I accept that I can’t always do all that I want, because I expect to much from myself, and that what I am able to do is still okay.
On the 8th of July I will be 5 months off my medication. I am dealing with symptoms of my Mental health constantly but the most showing at the moment is the picking I am doing on my head and fingers. Tomorrow I will be getting a fringe cut in, in the hope it may help with the state I am making of my forehead. I am also going to try and get into the habit of painting my nails again.
I haven’t been to the beach this year, I need a beach, I need the sea. I will be at a beach on my 6 month anniversary of no medication. I need more calm and I damn deserve to celebrate. I choose more fun, I enjoy life. I am working on knowing that my thoughts set myself up for how I am during the day. That other humans are not in control of how my life pans out, that it is not up to them to make me feel better about myself. That the only way my life can change is if I keep making changes it in. Nothing will get better sitting on your ass and feeling sorry for yourself and that is the hardest thing in depression, sometimes you need the low to ensure you can see how far you have come. Now my mind has been dumped on in this post I have opened to even more clarity, even better opportunities.
Thanks for being here, thanks for baring with me. Know that I am still around, still here for you all. Still striving for that thing called life in the best way I can with the most amount of fun during.
I love you my petals!
We are the lucky ones.