One of the things I have evolved myself into doing over the years is hiding away. I no longer love hugs, I no longer enjoy lots of company, I find other humans a threat, I mean.. I can them humans, aren’t they just people like me? But this is the thing, being hurt and being walls and building bridges eventually made me want just want to hide to myself.
I am actually incredibly lucky in the handful of friends I have, as far as friends go they are actually fantastic, will drag me out for walks, pick me up in their cars and take me out of my four walls where I torture myself with thoughts and unmotivated stress. Andy is a rock for me, my best friend and a brilliant daddy to our children. My parents are great too. I do get how it is hard for others to understand what it is in my head when I do not understand it myself.
On Saturday I marked 6 months of being off my medication.
Today I mark my first day of being on my new cocktail of medication, with a new doctor that I feel comfortable with, that I feel understands, that I am willing to talk to. This past 6 months has been a rocky road. My mum got sick (she is now much better) one of my best friends got cancer, had an operation and is now doing chemo (and looks fantastic must I add) my uncle died (his funeral was beautiful, what a wonderfully loved man) my grandad got sick and had an operation (he’s all healed and getting back to himself now) and my dad had 2 cataract operations and now can see like a hawk. I did all of this without being on medication and I am pleased I did that, I have learned to cope more, learned to go on walks more, be in nature, take note of the clouds, look at the stars, admire the moon. I listen to the sounds of birds, adore the beauty of flowers, the smell of herbs. My good days seem so much better now, I have more gratitude but I need more peace.
I’m struggling again, I have came through all of the above, I know I have strength, but I need my peace. I’m forever trying to learn who I am, force a smile or be a clown. I don’t want to keep trying to know who I am anymore. I just want to live and be me.
I didn’t think I would go back onto medication when I came off it. But I also know I don’t want to be like this forever, depression is horrible. Depression and anxiety is a combination from satan. It’s life debilitating. I know I haven’t been around much on here for a while. I’m still around, just working on building my sparkle.
I’m pleased I was able to see my doctor this morning, do my volunteering at the charity shop and have a little fun and pokemon at the park with the kids before I ate and took my first new tablet.
Day 1 of these new meds meant that a few hours after taking them I have felt like I have been hit by a truck. I have slept on the sofa and awoke with a positivity that I am going to improve again. The smell of food is making me sick, I ate some biscuits and then wanted to vomit and my stomach isn’t at it’s best but I’m going to carry on as now I feel I have a doctor on my side that gets this.
Before I left her office today she said she wanted to remain in frequent contact, and that if booking was too much I could speak to her on the phone. It just felt so refreshing for me, especially as I had kept myself up most of the night being scared about going. It was just so comforting to hear. It was like she was saying ‘It’s cool, I get it. We got this’
I still love and appreciate you.
I’m using Instagram most days so you can usually look on there to see what I’m up to :): https://www.instagram.com/anewaddition/.
We got this.