Something happened to me last night that was unpleasant. But in my hindsight this morning I realise it was something that needed to happen.
Last night Andrew came round and I lost myself, I cried for an hour. This was not how my life was meant to be. I am not the person I ever thought I would be. I am so less of what I wanted and deserved to be.
I cried how I was always academic, I tried hard. Despite hiccups in school, when I fell pregnant I put my all back into it and came out with good GCSE’s.
I went to college and studied business, whilst studying business I began open uni. When I had completed all I could within business for college I started beauty therapy so that Ky could continue with nursery and whilst doing that I continued doing Open university.
I passed all of the above and I completed the certificate of business with the OU.
I fell pregnant again, I started my blog. I had a baby.
I continued my blog, through my blog I got social media clients. Then my mental health got in the way and I fucked it up. Through my social media clients and blog confidence I went to a business meet up group and got a job within a PR agency. Then my mental health got in the way and I fucked it. up.
What I didn’t realise with the above though is that IT WAS my mental health that was causing me issues and that how I was feeling really wasn’t normal. It was Depression. It took me a long time to get help. Then it happens again.
I do really well with my blog, my anxiety gets better, I get out of my house. Then my mental health gets in the way and I. Fuck. It. Up.
My life feels like a vicious circle of doing really well and then sabotaging myself. And it hurts. A lot.
It stings, It burns, It cuts deep, my heart bleeds.
I feel like I have to constantly pick myself up and try again, try and fix what I have broken, try and climb back up where I have slipped off.
I know all of the above seems negative but there is a reason for me outing this in a blog post. Because this time it feels different. Some of the things I said last night I didn’t even realise I felt. I didn’t realise was still affecting me. I had buried these feelings almost into being forgotten but yet they were really still there eating away at me. I feel this episode last night was needed, although poor Andy probably should have had some warning. He handled me so well though ‘things will get better, you will get better’ and just walking around leaving me be whilst I feel all of my feels, cry all of my feels and rant at myself through him which I now know was me releasing my blockage that I have apparently had for a long time ready for me to move on to my next chapter.
On the 12th I started a 30 day Law of attraction workbook. I did day 1 and then left it. Last night I decided I would pick up and read the quote that was for day 2. Coincidentally the 2 page quote was on the topic of ‘Wealth’.
Reading this before sleeping made me realise that my outburst had meant to be. I needed to just remind myself to chill out and that everything is going to be all right. I’m on schedule and perfect things are coming to me.
That I need to continue to follow my bliss and do things because it feels like fun or it feels like it might be a good idea. I need to keep my concentration on moving to where I am going instead of where I am.
Because thinking about what I want and WHY I want it is the vibration of allowing that the universe needs to open more doors for me.
This is my mental Health. This is my mindset. This is my thought led life. For I am.