Tonight I dealt with a melt down for 5 hours. A melt down that started with a cake and just ended.. in an emotional rollercoaster. I love parenting, I love being a Mamabear, but my oh my sometimes I find parenting so hard and I really wish I could have another me to hug myself, because I feel only I could really put me back together. Anyhow, THE MELT DOWN.
OH HOLY MOLY what a shit storm I did cause by offering a piece of tempting cake away so that my muffin top didn’t eat it before I did!
This melt down hurt, the words hurt. My body hurt. It was relentless for hours. He was exhausted but determined. It pains me when he gets like this, there is no winning. There is just a problem in his head that he needs sorted. I decided this melt down would be a learning shift for me, I really allowed myself to be present and pay attention to my breathing. It kept me so much calmer as he released his emotional charge. I kissed his head with each opportunity. Told him it was okay, but made sure that he knew that I would not be changing my mind about
Eventually he accepts he is so tired he gives in. I go downstairs for a drink and a breather and decided when I came upstairs I would watch a youtube video and it will give me exactly what I need right now in this moment, a sign, a feeling, whatever it is I need, and I let it go so it could be whatever it needed to be. And wow did the universe give it!
As I lay in bed I flicked to youtube, usually for a night time listen to I would go to Wayne Dyer, for his gorgeously calm, sincere and relaxing voice that just lulls me to sleep with the best feeling thoughts. But no, I decided I would flick through the front screen and see if anything takes my fancy. A Abraham video felt like it connected with me, I haven’t listened lately to Esther although I did have a recent conversation about her and so with that and the title ‘Waking up in a Bliss, Law of Attraction NO . ADS. I clicked play. (I freaking hate ads)
Break the vibrational chain of pain. Wow. Change, do something different, anything, Just feel and allow and know, ‘KNOW’ that everything is going to be okay.
I close my eyes and really take that in. What can I do right now that would really shift my vibration.
‘Okay, I am really enjoying the freedom of the writing on my blog, and Loving that I am feeling my purpose within my writing and that is being open and honest. How can I be open and honest? Write about the melt down and the emotions it brings, write about what I have learnt in that time? How does Ky make me happy? … jackpot!!.. What was in my white bag?!
I wrote the above last night. And then I went to bed. I had the guidelines for what I wanted this post to be about. But I really wanted to reflect on those questions. I have been really working on feeling what my purpose is. And I really feel like it is here on my blog and building this amazing supporting community. I want to be honest with you all about my emotions and how I work through things. Last night was hard, but I practice lots of mindfulness throughout the melt down. I thought about how overwhelmed my little boys head must be to be feeling and behaving how he was. I wanted him to still feel my love at every opportunity and so in his calm moments I hugged him and told him I loved him. Eventually after hours he calmed, he apologised and he felt bad. This breaks my heart and I will work endlessly to support him.
I learnt how important it is to listen and control my breathing and to allow myself to think. And to feel compassion to a hard situation as it to will pass and I can again allow my love to be felt.
In these moments it is very hard to not feel alone. To believe the harsh words of hate being shouted at you. To cry because you feel so helpless in a situation, but I am learning to remember that all of these situations in life are sent to teach us. Every moment in life is sent to teach us. And this is where the white bag comes in.
Ky recently went on a school trip. On the trip he was allowed £3 to spend on himself. The same amount was allowed for all of the children. When I picked him up from school after his trip he was SO excited as he handed me a white bag.
This may be the most significant white paper bag I have ever been passed. For in this bag held the most precious gift. My son had spent the majority of his spending money on a present for me. He said he was confused when he was in the shop as his friends were saying that he was ‘wasting’ HIS money spending a gift on me. (And I can totally see why this would be the case for a 10 year old with £3!) but Ky said.. ‘How could it be wasting my money when it is on my mum?’.
By this point, whatever was in this bag was already one of my most precious possessions regardless of its cost. I felt an overwhelming feel of gratitude from him, and for someone who has to deal with numerous meltdowns and unkind words on a daily basis it absolutely made my heart GLEAM. Absolute Love and Pride. And when I opened it….
He had put so much thought into it. He knew how much his mum loves crystals and the earth. He told me he went through all of the yellow ones because he wanted to make sure he got lots of gold all around. I told him it was PERFECT. Because it is, and I am pretty sure it is Citrine which attracts love and happiness. Amazing.
So yes, Do something different. Change your thoughts, your attitude, listen to music, write a positive and honest post on your life. Break the vibrational chain of pain.
Chase the dream, Allow the Journey xx